She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
