i'm lost and i look like a hooker
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
