I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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