Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
