K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
