So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
3pm strippers are depressing
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
