I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
