my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
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