Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Randomize
