I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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