Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I stole a fireplace last night.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
soo... how was my night?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
