I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
