Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
