Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Randomize
