If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
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