She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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