I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
