This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
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