He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
