i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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