Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Randomize
