My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
