Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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