Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
