He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
