It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
