I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
