worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Randomize
