I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
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