Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
