Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
