Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I woke up under a house in Key West
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