I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
