Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Houston, we have a squirter
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
