Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
