After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
