just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
