she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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