Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
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