I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
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