I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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