Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Randomize
