well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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