I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
