i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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