My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I wish there were birth control emojis
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
