You made me cry and you don't even care
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
