Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
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