Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
