Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
